By this point, you understand the foundation. You understand that your home is the core of everything, that you and your spouse are two halves of one soul, that Hashem is a third Partner if you let Him in. Now we get to the practical level. The tools. The actual things you can do — or stop doing — that change a marriage.
Four of them in particular matter most: how you handle anger, how you build your spouse up, how you spend your time, and what you do with your phone.
The Most Destructive Force: Anger
The most destructive force in any marriage is anger. When there is kaas in the home, the Shechinah does not want to be there.
We can learn this from an idea about Shabbos. The pasuk says: Lo s'va'aru aish b'chol moshvoseichem b'yom haShabbos — do not light a fire in any of your dwellings on the day of Shabbos. The Zohar HaKadosh explains that the “fire” in the pasuk is the fire of anger. The Torah is warning us: the special Neshama Yeseirah — the extra portion of holy soul that's infused into us on Shabbos — is allergic to anger. If there is anger, that holy soul leaves us.
The same principle is true about every marriage. Hashem wants to put Himself into your home. He wants to dwell with you.
The letter yud from the word ish (man), and the letter hei from the word ishah (woman), together spell one of the names of Hashem — and they represent how Hashem dwells within the bond shared by a husband and wife who truly love one another.
But when there is anger, the Shechinah leaves. This creates a downward spiral. There's no longer a yud and no longer a hei. The ish and ishah are left only as aish and aish — fire and more fire — with potential for great destruction.
The first step toward a solution is remembering who we are and what we are meant to accomplish.
My spouse is part of me. I am not whole without them.
In a moment of anger, ask yourself honestly: If I had been the one who caused this incident — how would I want my spouse to react to me?
That's actually the truth, because your spouse is you. Your reaction should reflect that.
When you accustom yourself to seeing your spouse in this way, your life will dramatically change for the better. You'll bring Hashem back into your home.
Positivity: The Tool That Fixes What You Can't Fix Directly
You're doing your part. But what if your spouse isn't doing theirs?
This is one of the most frustrating situations to be in. It's understandable when one side lashes out at the other for not pulling their weight. “Why won't he get out of bed?” “Why does she never have food ready when I come home?” “Doesn't he see how hard I'm working?”
If each side's role is critical, what do you do when one side is struggling?
The answer is that besides doing your own part, you have the ability to build up your spouse as well.
Anger is the result of feeling helpless, when you are not receiving from your spouse what you believe they are obligated to provide. If instead of responding with anger you respond by showing your spouse that you believe in them, you can give them the strength and confidence to bring out their potential, and in the process you also strengthen and nurture your relationship.
Hashem put the two of you together specifically because you're the perfect fit to help each other reach your potential. The key is not to blame your spouse for their shortcomings. Not to express anger or frustration. Rather: Hashem is showing you exactly where your job is — to encourage and help your spouse here.
Positivity is crucial. Someone who feels good about themselves is someone who will accomplish more. When your spouse feels loved and respected for the good things they do — and for their potential — it becomes much easier for them to live up to it.
This is the path every couple should use to build each other up, so each one can reach their potential, and together build a bayis ne'eman b'Yisrael.
Time: The Most Precious Thing You Can Give
Time is the most precious thing a couple can give each other. When you give your time to someone, it shows that you value them and value your relationship with them. The Torah explicitly commands a man not to diminish the time he is obligated to dedicate to his wife — V'onasah lo yigra.
Even once a marriage reaches a stable place, it requires constant maintenance. As the years pass, life's responsibilities tend to multiply. As your family grows, there are more responsibilities and pressures, and the demands on your time naturally increase. When life becomes hectic, it's easy to become so focused on meeting responsibilities that your marriage is taken for granted.
This can lead to a slow rift and a feeling of disconnect.
What's the solution? Time to reconnect is a great start. Schedule a date night, or some other regular time to talk and have quality time, just the two of you.
But you also need a clear shift in perspective, one that is reflected in your actions and words. Both husband and wife need to show each other: You are the most important person in my life — even if there isn't as much free time as there used to be, to actually act on it.
A practical example: show genuine appreciation for the small things your spouse does for you. Eye contact, with a smile, with a sincere compliment. So simple. So meaningful.
When it's really coming from the heart, your spouse will feel it. If you think they don't — keep trying. Eventually, it breaks through.
The Smartphone Test
In today's world there is one specific force that is challenging the most important relationship you have: the smartphone.
It's ironic that a tool intended to make life more efficient and leave you with more free time can end up dominating so much of it. Hours and hours a day, with this little machine in your pocket. For many people, it is the single greatest use of their time over a 24-hour period — including sleeping.
The effect on marriages, regardless of age or stage, is catastrophic. This machine is destroying marriages in the most subtle way. When all your free time is spent on your phone, not only are you not investing in your relationship — you're actively sending a subconscious message to your spouse, again and again: Something else is more important than you.
I'm not exaggerating. I once sat with a couple who needed serious work on their Shalom Bayis. The wife asked her husband to give up his phone. He responded that to him, that was like asking him to give up his arm.
This is true even without the destructive effects of social media or inappropriate content. Throw those in, and the smartphone is literally poison. But even with a filter, even without those apps — what is the message you're sending your spouse when you sit together for dinner and constantly check your phone?
This device is more important than you are.
What to Actually Do About the Phone
The key is time management. There must be specific times that you spend together that are phone-free. These times should be set aside, in advance, every day.
This is harder said than done — for someone already used to checking constantly, it's not easy to stop. But really it's just two simple steps. First, turn off all ringers, beeps, and vibrations. Second, put the phone in a different room and close the door.
That's it.
Then, with your spouse, set a specific time that will be our time. The right time depends on your stage in life — for some couples it's right when the husband comes home; for others it's later in the evening. Make it specific. Make it daily. If both sides are truly committed, they will succeed.
The side benefits are real. People who do this exercise often describe a feeling of freedom. “I'm in charge of the phone — the phone isn't in charge of me.” The strengthening of your self-control helps in every other area of life too.
But even without those side benefits, you're sending a clear message to your spouse: You are important to me. I'm ready to stop everything else in my life to be focused on you.
Tonight, leave your phone in another room for one hour. Don't announce it. Don't make it a project. Just do it. Then pay attention to what happens — to the conversation, to the silence, to what your spouse's face does when they realize you're actually there. That's the Shalom Bayis tool no one is going to teach you in chosson or kallah classes. Use it well.