Most couples start their marriage on a cloud of excitement and happiness. But the truth is that the cloud is built more on expectations and hope than on actual lived experience. Once the cloud lifts — and it always lifts — what's left is the real work. And the foundation of that work is one thing: commitment.
Not the kind of commitment you feel during sheva brachos. The kind you choose at 6:30 in the morning when nothing is going right.
Matza or Motza?
The Gemara teaches that they used to ask a new chosson a question: Matza or Motza?
My Rebbe, Rav Mordechai Finkelman, explained — based on a vort from Rav Miller, formerly of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania — what this really means. The word “Matza” means “I found” — past tense. The pasuk says, Matza Isha, Matza Tov — if you have found a wife, you have found good. Past tense. I already found her. I don't need to keep searching. I'm done.
Once I know she is the one for me, I am totally committed to building the best life possible — because I'm not second-guessing it. I know it's true. That's when it becomes good.
But “Motza” is present tense — I am still finding. I'm not sure. The pasuk warns about that one too: U'Motza Ani Mar Mi'maves, Et Ha'Isha — life with a wife will be tremendously bitter.
Why? Because married life is not easy. There are always ups and downs. For someone not completely dedicated to building a strong home with their spouse, every difficulty becomes more evidence of a bad decision. Maybe this isn't the right person. Maybe I made a mistake. Maybe…
The doubt itself is what makes life bitter. The difficulties just feed the doubt. It's a closed loop, and it eats marriages alive.
The Mindset You Have to Choose
Every person who stands under the chuppah with the one they have decided to build their life with must imprint in their heart a single message:
This is it. I am completely dedicated to my spouse. He/she is my other half. He/she is part of me.
Only with this complete dedication can a couple begin to build their home on a firm foundation.
But here's where many marriages get into trouble from the very beginning: people approach it as a tryout. Let's see how it goes. These thoughts and attitudes undermine the foundation before it's even poured.
Does that mean if your marriage started this way — even years ago — it's doomed? No. But you need to change your focus and your mindset, starting now.
I am here to stay. I am going to make this work, no matter what. I am totally committed to you and to our relationship.
Words Aren't Enough
But these can't just be words you say one time and then forget about. Just like an entrepreneur starting a business — he sleeps the business, eats the business, breathes the business — that is how I need to view my marriage.
My relationship with my spouse is the most important part of my life.
I have to live that way.
Living that way means a constant, ongoing review. It means catching yourself in the small moments where doubt tries to sneak back in and pushing it out. It means treating every disagreement as a problem to be solved together rather than evidence to be filed away.
Setting Shalom Bayis as Your Actual Goal
For two people coming from very different homes, schools, and experiences to build one unified home is a great challenge. Rising to that challenge has two parts.
The first part is to set this as your goal. When a couple makes Shalom Bayis their actual goal, there is a real change of mindset. My home is not just a place I return to at night to rest and recharge so I can go accomplish again tomorrow. My home is the place where I am actually accomplishing my life's goals.
This change of mind and heart should put your whole life into a different perspective. Most people put their main focus and effort on what they accomplish outside the home. That's like building a tall building on a weak foundation. Your main focus has to be building your home, because Shalom Bayis is the most important part of your life.
The second part is to put in the work. Just like any goal in life, with consistent effort, you will see results.
Today, in your own mind, make the decision once. Out loud if you can. I'm in. No exits. No backup plan. My spouse is me, and our connection is the goal of my life. Then tomorrow, make the same decision again. And the day after that. That's what commitment actually is.