The Vilna Gaon is quoted as saying that the main purpose of being born into this world is to improve your middos. This is perhaps the hardest work anyone will ever do. And it's very easy, in the busyness of supporting yourself and raising a family, to lose track of this goal entirely.
Here's something most people never realize: the best place to work on your middos — and the most consistent — is your marriage.
Why Marriage is the Best Laboratory
It's common for newlyweds to enter marriage with the best intentions to be the perfect spouse. “As soon as I get married, I'm quitting all those bad habits.” That inspiration is a great start, but most of the time there's no real plan behind it.
After a few months — once the excitement wears off and reality settles in — all those habits you were sure were a thing of the past begin to seep back in. Often to the disappointment of your new spouse.
Marriage is now your reality. Your job is to create your home, your relationship. This takes work. It doesn't happen on its own.
But here's the gift: marriage is the best medium to become the person you're supposed to be. It's specifically because you're living with the one meant to complete you that you have the opportunities to become that person. You were given each other for this purpose. Through helping each other improve, you come to achdus and shleimus, you become whole.
This isn't easy. We all have our challenges. We all have our weak points. And no one knows them better than your spouse.
But that's exactly the point. That's exactly why marriage can bring out the best in you. When you're truly dedicated to building your home — when you bring Hashem and love into the relationship — even the hardest work becomes possible.
The Central Middah You Need
Every middah matters. But I believe the central one you need to truly succeed in marriage is Anavah — humility.
Being humble doesn't mean letting the other person walk all over you. It doesn't mean you're a shmatta. What it means is that you understand what your relationship actually is, and your role in it.
When Hashem created man, it was clear that only together with a wife would man be a complete unit. Without a wife, a man is missing a part of himself.
This is what our sages teach us (Kiddushin 2b). It's the way of a man to search for a wife like one searches for a lost object. He needs her. She is part of him.
The reverse is just as true. It's etched in the genetics of every woman to want to connect to her husband. The Torah states this explicitly.
What Anavah Actually Looks Like
The relationship between husband and wife is the connection of two parts that, when they come together, create one complete unit. This is the design and the desire of Hashem — for the couple to reach completion.
So, what's your role?
Each spouse has to be an anav. You must humbly recognize that you are only half of what you should become. You need your other half — without them, you would be severely lacking. Realize: I am not independent. I cannot be independent if I ever want to reach my potential.
The central point is to humbly accept that I am lacking, and I need my spouse to become whole.
From Anavah to Kavod
Our sages also teach that a key foundation of building your relationship is kavod — honor and respect. The Rambam teaches that a man must respect his wife more than himself, and a woman must respect her husband more than anything else.
This isn't just good advice. It's a Rabbinical obligation.
Where does kavod come from? It's the natural result of clearly understanding your relationship. There's a three-step process to get there.
Step one: Recognize yourself honestly. Anyone honest enough will easily find points about themselves that, at best, aren't perfect — and more likely are seriously lacking. We all have faults. We all have areas where we know we need to improve. As much as most of us don't want to admit it, we need help in many areas.
Step two: Recognize that Hashem sent you the perfect Ezer K'negdo — the person with the exact combination of qualities and character you need to fill in the pieces you're missing. (Of course this works in both directions. You're also filling in your spouse's gaps. But your focus has to be on what they are doing for you.)
Step three: This is how you react when you put steps one and two together. Honor flows naturally. I value you because it is only through you that I can become complete.
That's what the sages are commanding when they tell us to honor our spouse. Recognize that I am lacking without you. Therefore, appreciate you for what you actually are to me.
That's what kavod means. That's why it's the base of your marriage and your home.
Identify one middah of yours that your spouse often has to compensate for — showing patience when you're impatient, kindness when you've been short tempered, staying organized when you've been messy. One specific way that they are filling in your gap. Then, today, when you see them, find a way to genuinely thank them for it. Not generally. Specifically. That's anavah, kavod, and avodas hamiddos all in one moment. That's marriage doing its real work.