Exclusivity in Marriage: Why Your Marriage Has to Be Its Own World

A major concept a couple needs to internalize in order to build a solid relationship is exclusivity. This concept is so fundamental that it's actually built into the very moment of kiddushin — the act that creates the marriage itself. If you understand the depth of what's happening under the chuppah, you understand why everything that follows in this article isn't optional. It's the foundation.

The Words That Build a Marriage

Under the chuppah, the chasan says: Harei at mekudeshes li b'taba'as zo k'das Moshe v'Yisrael — and places a ring on the kallah's finger.

In an instant, both their worlds change. But what do those words actually mean?

Simplified: the chasan is saying to his kallah, “You are now set aside from the entire world, and you have an exclusive relationship with only me.”

This is the essence of marriage. The relationship between husband and wife is unique and exclusive. The bond they have with each other — to the exclusion of anyone else — is the very definition of the marriage.

Many couples feel this intrinsically and step right into their roles. Others either don't fully understand the concept, or have a hard time implementing it. Navigating between building your new relationship and managing all the old ones can be tricky.

The first step is to acknowledge that this is the work. To accept in your heart and dedicate yourself completely to the goal of creating an exclusive relationship with your spouse. That's how you become one.

Who You Confide In

Creating an exclusive relationship sounds easy. It isn't. It requires a lot of forethought.

Before marriage, it's very common for a girl to confide in her mother, her sister, or a close friend. A boy will turn to his father, his brother, or a mentor. What should happen after marriage?

The first person you share your feelings with — your thoughts, the place you turn for advice — should be your spouse. That's specifically where you build your inner bond. It's supposed to be with your spouse that you share your most inner self: your emotions, your hopes, your worries.

But this doesn't happen so easily. As close as both sides feel during engagement, even just a few months into marriage, they often don't yet feel comfortable enough to share their deepest feelings with each other. Naturally, they turn back to the people they used to confide in before. And often, very personal information about the marriage is shared.

Of course you should have a Rav for advice and guidance, even on personal matters. But that should come after the couple has already spoken to each other.

Unfortunately many people today share intimate details of their marriage with friends before turning to their spouse. Sharing these matters with friends erodes the sense of privacy and exclusivity that is essential to a strong marriage.

Exclusivity means your private life is for the two of you. Not to be shared. The first one to turn to is always each other.

Shmiras Einayim and Tznius

The second part of creating an exclusive relationship is Shmiras Einayim and Tznius — guarding what you look at and how you present yourself. These are two sides of the same coin, and they are crucial to the marriage bond.

Both should already have been part of your life before you ever met your spouse. But beyond their halachic obligation, they are the preparation for building a strong foundation for marriage.

Both concepts carry the same message: I am not interested in the outside world. I don't want to see it. I don't want it to see me.

This is diametrically opposed to the philosophy of today's transparent, social-media-driven world, which bombards us with the message that everyone needs to know everything about everyone.

An exclusive relationship is built specifically by saying no to that world.

A man says: I don't want to look at everything. Certainly not at other women. My eyes are for my wife. That's where my energy goes. It's a challenge. I'm up for it.

A woman says the same: I don't want to dress or act in a way that draws attention from other men. I don't want people to look at me. I'm saving that exclusively for my husband.

First, you must embrace the philosophy. It's not easy. But once you understand more deeply that this idea contains within it the power to create the deepest bond you'll ever have with another human being, it inspires the next step. Because you realize: it's worth it.

The Conversation No One Wants to Have

What I'm about to say may sound extreme. That doesn't make it less true.

Your marriage will only be truly exclusive if your relationship with your spouse is the only meaningful relationship you have with anyone of the opposite gender.

That means any other relationship you have with someone of the opposite gender takes away from your relationship with your spouse.

A few examples to think about:

How friendly are you with your best friend's wife? Are there meals together where the conversation flows easily between all four people?

How about your wife's sister? Your husband's brother?

The neighbor's husband or wife? Even your mother-in-law or father-in-law?

Each of these is a potential landmine. One of the ways the yetzer hara undermines a marriage is by drawing a person into meaningful connections with members of the opposite gender. Beyond close blood relatives (mother, grandmother, sister), every other man or woman in the world has the potential to pull your focus away from your spouse, certainly emotionally, and sometimes worse.

There is no such thing as a truly platonic relationship between men and women. There is always a certain pleasure the yetzer hara injects into these relationships, because of their illicitness. That's beyond the issues of Shmiras Einayim and Tznius already mentioned.

Even work relationships have pitfalls. It's very easy to get a bit too friendly with a co-worker, client, or associate. Even a small amount of inappropriate attention given to someone of the opposite gender takes from the exclusivity of the bond with your spouse.

This isn't said to make anyone feel guilty about ordinary courtesy. It's said because most marriages don't end because of one dramatic event. They erode through dozens of small, unguarded interactions that no one ever called by their real name.

How to Handle In-Laws and Family

Once you recognize the danger inherent in inter-gender relationships, the obvious question is: how do I interact with in-law family members of the opposite gender?

This is a sensitive topic. Walking the tightrope between being courteous and respectful — without being overly warm — is a real challenge.

You should be welcoming and respectful to in-law family members. Ignoring them is insulting and impractical. An approach that works for many people: be able to talk to each other, show interest in their lives, but keep clear boundaries.

The key is not to feel pressured to build a meaningful relationship. Some people think this is part of marriage. It's actually the opposite. Yes, when you marry, you're taking on a whole new family — but you are not a full brother or sister, son or daughter. Your connection is through your spouse. That's where the strength of the bond needs to be.

Obviously, a wife should work on building a solid relationship with her new mother-in-law and sisters-in-law. A man should do the same with his new father-in-law and brothers-in-law. The relationships with those of the opposite gender should not be as warm.

A great idea: discuss this with your spouse openly, beforehand. You're both in the same boat. Asking your spouse to help you navigate these new relationships is itself an act of building emotional intimacy. You're working together to create new familial bonds in a healthy way — and that closeness ends up strengthening the bond between the two of you.